We criticize ourselves for the smallest mistakes. We do it tongue-in-cheek, like doing something embarrassing and joking, “I’m so stupid haha!” But we also come down hard on ourselves when we’ve done nothing wrong. Ghosted by a hot prospect? Suddenly, our tongue-in-cheek “I’m so stupid” has teeth and claws and draws blood.
My Self-Love + Sex + Magic Movement stems from the realization people spend a lot of time cringing to sleep over silly faux pas and not enough time celebrating life.
I try to unpack my own struggles with being too hard on myself through my fiction. Take LEAD ME ASTRAY. In my debut Wattpad novel, Aurie Edison wants to be the perfect role model for her younger sister, but obviously perfection is unattainable. Sexy werewolf Detective Zyr Ravani also has a fear of failure. However, every mistake doesn’t need to be dissected under a self-critical lens. When we hold ourselves to perfectionist standards, disappointment is inevitable.
I really explore the cultivation of self-love through smoldering main character Mx. Mys, an enby sex worker (pronouns: they/them). Mys--for reasons--hides fragile confidence behind a cynical exterior. They have a backstory littered with emotional and physical abuse (sorry bae), lending incredible depths of empathy. Unfortunately, deeply ingrained self-limiting beliefs turn their greatest strength into a weakness. Mys discovers empowerment only by seeing themself as an imperfect but integral part of saving the day.
Philosopher Renee Descartes stated, “I think, therefore I am.” In other words, negative self-talk is far from harmless. Who you think you are has a definite impact on how your personality manifests. So, what are you manifesting?
Harsh internal criticism may feel like second nature. Fortunately, our malleable human brains are designed to believe consistent messaging. (It’s the reason a repeated lie begins to sound like the truth.) Therefore, make good use of this function. No more cringe-worthy inner monologues. Let’s turn things around by Rezoning and Reframing.
Rezoning
We all want to be better and do better. Rezone to address matters of self-improvement that are within your control. It is healthy and appropriate to strive to level-up across the board. However, your place on the rungs of the ladder of success is often determined by factors that are out of your hands. Make your intellect, talents, looks, finances, and relationship status censure-free zones. That means nix the blame game regarding your genes, money woes, and romance struggles.
Don’t get me wrong. Accountability is at the core of self-love. But it differs from “blame” because although you are responsible for each choice that led to where you are, you really don’t get to decide the set of choices you are given. Let’s also not allow things that are beyond our control to be the theme of a pity party. Be candid and pragmatic about where you can and should focus your efforts to change your circumstances.
Here’s How I Do It: I redefine the parameters of my “identity.” I am not my level of education, measure of creativity, looks, income bracket, or relationship. If I am not these things, then a critique of these areas does not threaten my ego. Therefore, I can accept these variables as a reflection of circumstance and not moral failings.
Reframing
Imagine a classroom in which the teacher uses name-calling and degradation to motivate students. Sure, some would succeed purely out of spite, but criticism isn’t a good growth medium. Why do we imagine a stream of inner debasement will spur us to achieve greatness? Reframe the way you think of yourself by replacing unforgiving words with understanding words.
Reframing gives us space to acknowledge our shortcomings. It is a perspective shift that finds the strength in our weaknesses. For example, I know I’m over-sensitive. I can either see that as an embarrassing trait because I don’t like being emotional, or I can view my sensitivity as a superpower. Empathy lets me intuit what others need, which is a good thing. So, the only change I make is regulating how I express myself.
As you break the habit of negative self-talk, you will have slip-ups. When that happens, make a purposeful effort to stop yourself and reframe. Need more positive personal adjectives to describe yourself? Take a cue from this list.
Here’s How I Do It: I embrace the worldview that existence has built-in hardships. If I am the author of my own life story, then I forgive myself for the struggles and accept that my trials are shaping me into someone fiercely determined to succeed. There are no mistakes or failures, just a series of gifts to unbox.
Now you can use rezoning and reframing to channel positivity and boost esteem. Feeling good about yourself is great for your mind and body, and you deserve freedom from your inner critic. For more ways to manifest a version of yourself that you love, subscribe to my blog and get weekly updates.
The Self-Love + Sex + Magic Movement 2021 is flourishing online. It is the perfect time to get involved! Find me on Twitter for regular inspirational posts and glimpses into my life outside of writing. Speak your mind on my daily #SLSM2021 Twitter discussion prompts. Or are you more active on IG? Follow me on Instagram and watch my show, Behind the Scenes w/ LK1, on IGTV. All-new episodes of Season 2 premiere every other week, showcasing tips for self-care and more.
Got a specific question about the Self-Love + Sex + Magic Movement? Feel free to drop a comment below.
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